It's Not Me, It's You Read online

  ‘You didn’t!’ Briana moans.

  ‘And he said …’ Phoebe drops her voice. ‘Well, tell her hi from me.’

  Briana pops up like a jack-in-the-box. ‘Really? He said that?’

  ‘Yep.’ Phoebe nods, grinning. She leans back, resting her elbows on the back of the bench.

  Beside me Briana does the same, which gives me a weird urge to lean back too. But I just stay where I am and tuck my hands inside the sleeves of my jumper.

  Phoebe’s still grinning. ‘See, I told you.’ She looks hopefully at me. ‘Didn’t I tell her, Erin?’

  ‘Ah … yeah,’ I say, nodding. Whatever.

  Briana breathes in slowly, a wistful look in her eyes. ‘Maybe he’s just being nice. I mean, he’s that kind of person. It might not mean anything.’

  ‘It definitely means something,’ says Phoebe.

  All through maths, Briana stares at the back of Hamish’s head as if the secrets of the universe are somehow hidden in his light-brown hair.

  I can’t help missing her. I miss the way Briana used to be — when we talked all the time about real stuff, like what’s going to happen if we keep poisoning our planet, or this girl in our class whose mum died from lung cancer, or what we wanted to be when we grew up. Things that matter.

  Now it’s all boys this and clothes that. And all because of Phoebe.

  Phoebe spends her time staring at Hamish too. Sometimes she leans over to whisper to Briana. I can’t hear what she says, but from where I’m sitting Hamish doesn’t do much worth talking about. He’s one of those people who are so quiet that you almost forget they’re around.

  When we get to recess, though, it turns out that there were lots of things going on. Signs that Hamish is super keen on Briana, especially because of the way he smiled at her when the bell went.

  I tag behind, munching on my Granny Smith and licking juice from my fingers as we wander up the breezeway. Phoebe is convincing Briana that Hamish made sure he was one of the last people to leave, just so he could check her out on the way past.

  I’m only half-listening, really. Somehow my mind has wandered back to the wrapper in Lucy’s bedroom. Maybe I should get it out of there before Mum finds it …

  I’ve just taken another bite when Phoebe slows her pace and turns to me. She smooths a strand of hair and asks, ‘What about you, Erin? Who do you like?’

  Me? I wasn’t expecting that. Usually I keep my mouth shut whenever Briana and Phoebe go on about their crushes. Now all I do is blink. I turn to Briana for help but she just nods, so I turn back to Phoebe and make a noise that’s meant to mean I don’t know.

  ‘It’s okay.’ Phoebe smiles. ‘You can trust us.’

  Awkwardly I swallow, trying to think up someone — a secret crush I could reveal. Maybe if I actually had something to say about this stuff, lunchtime wouldn’t be so boring.

  Who do I like? A couple of guys in our year are okay. But like like? Kissing like? I don’t really like anyone.

  Then I think of George. He’s always at our house because Dad often needs help with his computer. And we talk on the bus all the time. Even though he’s in the year above me at school, I can say what I think around George.

  But does that mean I like him?

  Phoebe and Briana are both watching me closely.

  ‘I’ll tell you who I like.’ Phoebe looks over her shoulder and we all watch a bunch of senior students wander past. When the coast is clear she turns back to me, head low. ‘Bradley,’ she whispers.

  Briana nods seriously, as if she’s already heard all about Bradley.

  I’m not sure what to say. ‘Right. Thanks. I won’t tell anyone.’

  ‘Now you, Erin,’ said Phoebe.

  I take a breath. Maybe I could just say George. That could be sort of fun. But what would happen then? Would they expect me to do something about it?

  My mouth opens and then shuts again. What if I said George’s name and he found out?

  By now I’ve been thinking so long that Phoebe sighs. She shrugs at Briana. ‘Anyway. How long until the bell? I need to go.’ She jerks her head towards the girl’s toilets.

  ‘Yeah, me too.’ Briana shoots me a glance, her mouth scrunched to one side like she always does when she’s annoyed.

  I let out a sigh and tag along. Why do they have to be so obsessed with guys? What’s wrong with talking about stuff that’s actually interesting?

  ‘Erin! Phone!’

  Later that evening, Lucy calls. I know it’s her because I’ve been hovering up the end of the hall, listening to Mum ask her a pile of questions about the flat.

  As soon as I hear my name I duck away, pretending I’m busy looking through my backpack.

  ‘There you are!’ Mum holds out the phone. ‘Lucy’s on the phone.’

  I look at the handset. Everything’s so different now that Lucy’s gone. Quiet. And boring. I miss her, but I’m still annoyed that she kept something so big from me.

  ‘Come on, she wants to say hi.’ Mum lifts the handset closer.

  I take the phone and wait while Mum fiddles with her ring for a bit. Then she sighs and walks away.

  ‘Hello?’ I say quietly.

  ‘Erin! How are you?’

  ‘Not too bad,’ I say flatly.

  ‘Hey, I thought you could catch the train in and see my new place sometime. It’s only six stops, remember?’

  Lucy doesn’t sound different at least. Which makes me wonder — when you do it for the first time, does something change about you? The way you move, or the way you look? If I’d known what to watch for, would I have noticed the change happen in Lucy?

  ‘Erin … earth to Erin … Look, I can’t talk for long. There’s no landline here and I’m running out of credit on my phone.’

  ‘Okay …’ I say, as disappointment slumps in. I have so much stuff to tell her, like how Briana’s still pretending to be someone she’s not. And all because of Phoebe. And I want to speak to her about George too. That it’s possible I might even like him. Just a smidge.

  ‘Send me a text when you want to come over, okay?’

  ‘Sure,’ I say quietly.

  ‘Mum wants us to come round for dinner on Saturday so I’ll see you then.’

  ‘Okay, bye.’ I switch off the phone and sigh. We hardly spoke about anything.

  Mum’s still hovering when I put the phone back in the base. ‘So how’d it go?’ she asks brightly.

  ‘Okay. She said I could see her flat sometime.’

  ‘Good.’ She nods. ‘Well, I’ll make a casserole for you to take.’

  I shrug and turn to go, but Mum steps towards me. ‘I’ve been thinking. Now that Lucy’s moved out, it might give us some time to … hang out?’

  I look at her and blink. ‘Yeah. Sure, Mum.’

  ‘Maybe we could go and get a pedicure, just the two of us,’ says Mum.

  I would rather die. But I don’t want to hurt her feelings. ‘Yeah, maybe,’ I say, and escape into my room.

  ‘Well, if you ever want to do something, you know where to find me,’ Mum calls after me.

  I need Lucy back. Mum’s officially gone loopy.

  When I get to school on Friday, Phoebe’s sitting on our bench, reading a magazine.

  I plonk my bag on the ground and check down the path that leads to the buses. ‘Where’s Briana?’

  ‘Dunno,’ says Phoebe, not moving her eyes from the page. ‘Everyone on her bus is here already.’

  No Briana? Panic rises in me as I sit on the edge of the bench, leaving a Briana-sized space between us. A whole day with just Phoebe? What are we going to talk about?

  Nothing, it turns out. Phoebe just keeps poring over the mag. At least it’s not obvious we have nothing in common. Casually, I sneak a peek at the page.

  Discover Your Inner SEX GODDESS!

  She’s actually reading the article.

  Soon Phoebe flicks back her hair and glances over at me. ‘So, that’s pretty funny about the condom in your sister’s bedroom.’ />
  My eyes narrow. Briana told her about that? If I wanted to talk to Phoebe about this, I’d have told her myself.

  Phoebe leans closer and her voice drops. ‘My cousin, right, used to spy on her sister while she was doing it.’

  ‘Oh, yeah?’ I say vaguely. There’s no way I’m acting as if Phoebe’s some kind of sex expert.

  The magazine disappears into Phoebe’s backpack. She pulls out a tube of mascara and peers into a tiny mirror as she applies it.

  People from the Lakeview bus are wandering past but Nick’s the only one who seems to notice Phoebe with her mascara. He comes really close, right in front of us. ‘Whatcha doing?’

  When he glances at me, I raise my eyebrows and grin. This should be interesting. Nick doesn’t care if you’re shiny like Phoebe or more wash-and-wear like me. He takes ‘saying what you think’ to a whole new level.

  Phoebe keeps looking into her mirror. ‘I’m creating a work of art,’ she says.

  ‘You’re not supposed to wear make-up at school,’ Nick says while I hold back a chuckle. Nick’s always saying the things you’ve been thinking but can’t say out loud. And getting away with it. Maybe because he has Down syndrome.

  With a click, Phoebe shuts her mirror and smiles. ‘Well, this’ll just be our secret then. Don’t tell anyone, okay?’ She puts one finger to her lips.

  Nick copies. ‘Yeah! Okay!’ He keeps beaming as he heads up the path.

  When he’s gone, Phoebe opens her mirror again. ‘So what do you reckon? Do you think I have a chance with Bradley?’

  ‘Sure.’ I bet she has a chance with a lot of guys. ‘But not because of that goop, though.’

  Phoebe’s eyes snap towards me.

  I take a breath. ‘I mean … don’t you want him to like you for who you really are, not how you look?’

  ‘Of course!’ She shoots me a magazine-fake grin. ‘But it doesn’t hurt to give him a bit of help to see who I really am.’ She says the last part dramatically, as if she thinks I’m a dork for saying it.

  No wonder I never say much around Phoebe. I pull my sleeves over my hands, wishing I could disappear into my jumper.

  After a while Phoebe shifts closer and her hand presses on my arm. ‘Listen, don’t worry about … you know, not telling us who you like.’

  The first bell goes but we don’t move. Something about the way she said it makes me think she’s been talking to Briana about this. Phoebe’s voice drops to a whisper. ‘I know why you don’t want to tell. I’d just die if anyone told Bradley I like him.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s not just that —’ I start, then sigh. I’m not even sure I like George.

  ‘But you can trust me, Erin,’ Phoebe continues. ‘Really. I promise I won’t tell a soul. I didn’t say a word to anyone when Briana finally hooked up with Hamish.’

  The whole world freezes around me as the words sink in. ‘She did what?’

  ‘Yeah, didn’t you —’ Her eyes go wide and her mouth falls open. ‘Don’t tell her I told you!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘She made me promise not to tell anyone, but I thought … Don’t tell her I told you. Please?’ Phoebe pleads.

  A whole storm whirls within me. Briana got with Hamish, and she didn’t tell me? My mouth opens but I have to shut it again, because I realise that if I try to speak I’m going to burst into tears.

  ‘You’re not angry, are you?’ Phoebe asks in a thin voice.

  I stand up and grab my bag. ‘I have to go,’ I mumble without even looking at her.

  Somehow I make it to homeroom. I sink into my chair, staring into space. Briana hooked up with Hamish? Why didn’t she tell me?

  At one point someone nudges me in the shin, and I glance up to find everyone glaring at me.

  ‘Erin Hampton?’ asks Ms Schilling, as if she’s sick of the sound of my name.

  ‘Here,’ I call meekly and swallow.

  Physically here, anyway. But right now, my mind has gone spinning back in time, thinking over all the stuff Briana and Phoebe have been saying about Hamish. Had she already hooked up with him at the start of this week? Was Phoebe right, about it all meaning something? I try to remember what they said.

  Something about going to watch hockey practice …

  And Phoebe going too …

  But if it happened after hockey, why didn’t Briana rush home and call me? Or tell me the next day at school? There were no missed calls on my phone. It’s almost as if she didn’t want me to know. But why?

  Slowly, I breathe in. Briana was pouring her heart out to Phoebe, that’s why.

  But what does Phoebe have that I don’t?

  Mascara, for a start. Perfect hair. And a history with guys.

  The bell goes, but instead of moving, I pretend to do up my shoelace, waiting for Phoebe to leave the room. People have to shuffle past me in my chair but I don’t move.

  This is way worse than finding out about Lucy. Briana’s my best friend.

  At least, I thought she was.

  When Phoebe finds me at lunchtime, I’m checking out the noticeboard. The corridor is full of noise, people yelling to each other over the crowd.

  Phoebe comes right close to my shoulder. ‘Are you okay?’ she asks quietly.

  Suddenly the sheet about cross-country skiing is absolutely fascinating. ‘Sure.’ I squint at the dates and mouth some words as if I’m concentrating really hard.

  ‘Are you going to tell Briana?’

  I don’t say a thing, but I’m not reading anymore. I’m spitting hot and angry inside.

  ‘Erin?’ she says after a while.

  I spin towards her. ‘I’m not going to say anything, so just forget about it, okay?’

  Phoebe steps back, and her mouth opens. It’s as if we’re the only two in the corridor. For a moment our eyes meet, then she turns and strides away.

  Good. It’s all just an act with Phoebe, anyway. She’s only pretending to care when really she’s just looking out for herself. She’s worried what Briana will say once she finds out. But I’m the one who has the most reason to worry. The biggest thing in my best friend’s universe just happened, and she didn’t want me to know.

  The crowd keeps moving past me, but I keep staring at the noticeboard. Missing Briana, and at the same time wanting to scream at her, What’s happened to you?

  I’m not sure where Leni and her gang hang out these days, but she used to be in our group in primary school and there’s no way I’m spending lunchtime on my own. I decide to try the oval first.

  George is sitting at one of the outdoor tables leading to the oval. He has one foot hooked up on the seat and is talking to his friends.

  My steps slow as soon as I see them. Great. Don’t want to look like a loser, wandering around on my own. I’m way too close to turn back, so I take a breath and do this big act of squinting and craning my neck as if I’m searching for someone. Leni, if anyone asks. Yep, I’m so busy looking for Leni that I’m paying no attention whatsoever to the boys I’m walking past.

  I’ve almost made it when George calls out behind me. ‘Hey, Erin! Made it to level twenty?’

  I stop, and swivel awkwardly. ‘Oh, hey, George. Um, actually… yeah.’ That tip about the Water Wizard was just what I needed.

  ‘She’s on level twenty?’ asks one of the guys.

  What’s so hard to believe?

  ‘Puts you to shame,’ says George and ruffles the guy’s hair until the other guy pushes him away.

  ‘Hey, George, who’s your little girlfriend?’ calls some-one from one of the other tables.

  We all turn to find a group of girls facing our way, watching.

  ‘Shut up, Nancy,’ says George, but he goes bright red and I feel my cheeks burning too.

  ‘Go on, ask her out,’ Nancy calls in this poison voice. ‘Don’t mind us!’

  It gets really weird then. The girls all crack up, so George swivels to make sure his back is facing them. But he turns to me again and gets this look on his face, as if he’s about to th
row up.

  I know how he feels. ‘See ya,’ I mumble, and get out of there as fast as I can.

  ‘Sorry about that,’ says George on the bus home. As usual he’s in the seat right behind me.

  ‘Not your fault.’ I don’t turn around. As far as school days go, this was even worse than when half our class came down with gastro.

  ‘Nancy’s such a pain,’ comes his voice behind me. The backrest wobbles as if he’s pulled himself up. His voice grows louder. ‘Anyway, guess what I found out last night?’

  I’m not in the mood. ‘You found a cheat for level twenty-four?’ I ask, pulling my sleeves over my hands. After that comment from Nancy, I can’t help feeling a bit weird around George.

  ‘Nope.’ Again, the seat wobbles. ‘It’s something about Hero Quest, though.’

  Still I don’t move.

  ‘Something good …’ says George just behind me. ‘Better than good.’

  My head turns slightly. I can’t help it. ‘A new version coming out?’ I say.

  ‘Better.’

  Better than a new version? Not possible, unless … I shift further around. ‘Meet the game creators?’

  ‘Nope, even better.’

  This is so annoying. For a while I stay quiet, but my mind keeps searching. Something good about Hero Quest? What could it be? Soon I can’t help it. I turn all the way to face George.

  He breaks into a broad grin but doesn’t say anything.

  ‘So tell me.’ My eyebrows go right up. ‘What’s the big news?’

  ‘Well …’ George breathes in but then he pauses, clearly enjoying my frustration. I’m tempted to grab his throat and squeeze it out of him. ‘All right!’ laughs George. ‘The Hero Quest movie is coming out tomorrow.’

  ‘Really?’ I gasp. How did I not know about this?

  George nods eagerly. ‘Yeah. A few of my mates are going to see it, if you want to come?’

  ‘Wow.’ I saw the whole series of Galaxy Wars movies with George and his mum. But then I picture what it would be like if I went with them. Me, George and his bunch of friends. What if anyone saw us? What would Nancy say? Or Phoebe?

  My shoulders sag. ‘Oh … thanks. But I’ll be all right.’ George’s face falls before I spin around to face forwards.